Dear Mitt(ens) Romney, Barack Obama, and all American Politicians,

views in this article are Veiws of the writer and don’t directly reflect those of HHPP

By Cliff Long
Dear Mitt(ens) Romney, Barack Obama, and all American Politicians,

Who do you think you are? I’m being so serious too. In the legitimate sense of that phrase: Who in the world do you think you are? Marinate on that while I provide a back story. Around the North Korean missile launch is when I began regularly watching (obsessing) with CNN. I had never really cared for news because of it’s sense of sheer morbidness but, I realized that shutting myself out of the world would not be a wise choice. So I started watching CNN regularly around that time and since then I can say I’ve watched so much CNN that I’ve developed an unhealthy crush on Erin Burnett, caressed the television’s projection of Anderson Cooper’s face, and screamed and cheered profanities while watching Piers Morgan rip his guest to shreds (especially the “More Guns, Less Crime” guy). But CNN is more than attractive and interesting anchors, it’s 24-hour news. And leading up to and all during this summer, I’ve been absorbing the news they’ve been reporting on. Gun control, Mitt Romney at Bain Capital, Iran, Syria, Obama doing this, that, and the other, among a mass of other things. And CNN has done, what I believe it sets out to do: display to garbage these politicians are choosing to spew, stay quiet, and act like a damn fool about. I mean, while I’m typing this right now, I’m watching Erin Burnett allow two junkies try and fight about Mitt Romney and his Marriott tax debacles. Sheesh.

But not to stray away from the main reason I’m writing this. Back to the question at hand, Mitt and Barack. Who do you both think you are? And the rest of you politicians too, but mostly these two, so relax for a second. With every ugly, yellow journalistic article, every “not related to me even if the people making them are good friends of mines” Super PAC commercial, every time you both SPEAK, you are disrespecting me and the entire American public. I don’t know why, but this 2012 election has been the biggest pile of shit shoveling I’ve seen in my life. When I say my life, I don’t mean campaigns, I mean my entire life. I go to high school. I’ve never seen anything like this. You get on television and tell me: “Don’t bully” while you try to take a shit on another man’s entire business career, essentially bullying? Disgusting. Trying to chameleonize yourself to every topic that is raised to try and appeal to everyone, then get mad when people say you’re a grey-suited blank-faced drone? Put me through college, you money hungry bastard. You are both, the more you both further your campaigns, projecting the fact that you think americans are simply put: idiots. And I am not saying I will run to defend anyone because a lot of voters are complete and utter idiots who care not for what’s right or what’s good, it’s for “what set they throw up” and “who they came with”, in more of my normal vernacular. People don’t give a shit anymore. It’s sad. You can have someone like Rick Santorum get up on a stage and almost call Obama a nigger (specifically “the anti-war government nig- uh the America was a… it continues but I mean, come on) and PEOPLE WILL STILL SUPPORT HIM. For shame, americans. It is 2012. Get over yourselves. Americans are no longer top dog on this big blue planet. And who got us there? The politicians.

Speaking of politicians, hey guys and gals of the government, have you ever just sat down, maybe with a buddy or two, had a nice glass of whisky and thought to yourself: “Man, we done fucked shit up.”? I know at least one of you have. And you wake up the next day and keep doing the same shit? If so, I personally suggest you draft your resignation letter but that’s just me. The point I’m trying to make here is politicians think We the People, are some droney, nameless, pieces in their big ass game of monopoly. And I know that I don’t like getting played in my everyday, rural-suburbia life. So the people who control the country I live in? No. Sorry, but no.

Mitt Romney, I personally hate you as a person. You seem like Grade A, white, emotionless, rich, trash, who could give a shit less about anyone who’s middle-to-lower class outside of the housemaids that work at your estate (I’m not sure if Mitt has an estate, but I’m going to go with ‘yes’). but from a political standpoint: you’re still a piece of shit and a poor politician. So: what are you going to do about it? Tell me to “put up or shut up” when you should be doing the EXACT same? If you want to be the President of the United States, we need to know everything that’s relevant to the presidency about you. If you are evading your taxes, we want to know. If you pay your taxes on time, do them yourself, pet the horse, drink a glass of Sangria, and sing the whole of Kanye West’s “Power”, good. We want to know. You can’t just say, “Hey guys, haha, that’s personal” because you knew what you got yourself into the second you said “I want to be President”. There is no secrecy, at least about how you handle your money, in that job. Don’t base your campaign saying “I am this ultra-entrepreneur and I know how to make Americans all this money but the second day of my Presidency” then back up and say “Woah, guys, I don’t want you looking at my entrepreneurial skills”. More so, give me some sort of PLAN you want to initiate as President. All the CNN I watch, and I have yet to hear something you want to do besides not allow Iran to get nuclear weapons (which Obama has already said…) and repeal Obamacare. Of the two things I just listed, only one of them was original! Mitt, even Herman Cain gave me a tax plan to work with. You are below Herman Cain, the pizza man. C’mon man. Do better. Wear a pink shirt. Do the dougie. Hit a cat daddy. Eat. Drink. Breathe. Do SOMETHING.

I’m not particularly sure if this is pressing the line between open letter and political rant but, let’s keep on moving to Barack Obama. You’re not a terrible guy. I like you as a person. Nice wife, nice kids, and a cool dog (not to take away from Mitt’s family, Ann seems nice and I can’t keep track of all those kids, and I assume your, uh, horse is nice too). You don’t say weird and chameleon-esque things on (most) topics. You’re pretty cool. But politics-wise, you are becoming atrocious. You are getting down in the mud with your opponents and doing the same dirt they are. This ad about the man and his wife who died, since it’s in your favor, I’m going to tell you: that is low as fuck. You can’t go much lower. You (your supports, Super PACs, I don’t really care who is putting it out, you are the face of the Democrats: it’s you) just accused a man to be directly or indirectly involved with a woman’s death. Just think about that. Can’t you go to jail for making false claims like that in normal, everyday life? You haven’t made any outlandish and wild claims or statements yourself so there isn’t much I can jump on you on about that, but get out of the shit. Get out of the political shit being shoveled to We the People, and start doing things right. You’re the president. Can’t you fire these congress members, this house of representatives, et cetera? Or are these old fiends locked in there forever? Rethink what you’re doing, Mr. Obama. Also, the whole jobs and unemployment mess doesn’t interest me. People want instant gratification because since we’re in this internet age everything is right. In. Your. Face. Twenty. Four. Seven. But I understand you can’t be handed a country that has been in the shit for 8 years and bring it back in 4. Math-wise, it doesn’t add up. Logically, it doesn’t add up. Overall, it doesn’t add up. So keep at that.

I want to close this letter with a topic that is pissing me off beyond belief: gun control. Do politicians even watch CNN? Piers Morgan is putting the debate right in front of your face every other night with perfectly logical reasoning coming from him and his guest (Michael Bloomberg, Michael Moore, etc.). Stop being so tight-lipped and pussy about it because the big bad red-necked drunk uncle NRA is going to not vote for you. If you both do the logical thing and say: “This is the 21st century. The British are no longer coming. Your plantation fields, land, property, et cetera, is no longer up for grabs by who can shoot the little metal ball out of his musket fastest. We are talking about death machines. 100 rounds a minute? Are you fucking kidding me?”, then they both won’t support you and they don’t get what they want. So be it. If your cry-baby “I want my M16 and I want it now!” mentality keeps you from voting, good. You keep your gun, I’ll vote for us (well, being 17, I won’t, but you get the point). Make it harder to get guns for people are, for lack of better terms: suspect, or “sus”, if you will. Red flags should be thrown if a white supremacist is buying weapons and ammo. Red flags should be forcefully inserted into the mouth of someone who doesn’t see a problem with 6,000 rounds of ammunition. Pass some gun legislation now before you ALLOW another Congresswoman and 19 other people, 70 Colorodans (106 including Columbine), or 6 Sikhs to get shot and or killed because you’re afraid of money. Yes, I said it, afraid of money. Afraid of the fact you might lose your precious money from donors and people who want to keep American dead as it can be. It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message. And it’s not: everything burns. It’s: I’m not a piece of political shit and I actually care about my fellow man but more specifically my fellow American. But yeah, you political guys just keep on doing your thing. I’ll wait. Take your time, let a couple more people die while you make up your mind.

So, to sum this up: We the People, are not fucking idiots. So don’t treat us like idiots.

So yeah cool,
Clifford Long

P.S.: If this gets anywhere, I can tell you it won’t do a damn thing on Capitol Hill, sadly. So hopefully it pisses off enough people to cause a stir for a couple of days. #HarryReiding.

P.S.S.: There are a few Batman references in here but I’m not one of those psychotic “Holmies” (supporters of James Holmes), I swear.



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